


Asexual

by sentimental_boy



Series: Matt Murdock imagines [84]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Reader is asexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 11:39:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17507894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentimental_boy/pseuds/sentimental_boy
Summary: You're asexual and in a relationship with Matt. You get insecure about it because of past relationships and he talks you down.





	Asexual

**Author's Note:**

> This is a request from justareader1014

"You know, now that you and Matt are living together, I'm excited to share all our stories from college with you," Foggy says from his spot opposite to you at the table you snagged at Josie's.

"Why now?"

"Because now I know your relationship is more solid. As fun as our college days were, Matt got around."

"Oh, Foggy." Matt lets out a light laugh.

"What? I don't hear you denying it."

"Would it matter if I did?"

"Denying it isn't going to change the past, buddy. Besides, you were young and single. It's what you're supposed to do."

Matt tries not to grimace. You came out as asexual to him pretty early in your relationship. It wasn't an  _un_ pleasant surprise. It wasn't pleasant either. He wasn't sure  _how_ to feel. He had to decide whether that was something he was okay going without for however long your relationship lasted. It didn't take him long to realize that he wanted you for the foreseeable future and that was all that mattered to him. It hasn't been a problem so far. At least not between the two of you. He knows Foggy didn't mean anything by that comment but he feels the need to fix it anyway.

"It's what a lot of people do. There are plenty of other ways to live out your youth."

"Right, of course." He doesn't know where Matt's going with that— if anywhere— but he goes along with it before turning back to you. "But I'm serious; there are some great stories." He clicks his tongue as he winks.

—0—

"You sounded nervous on the phone," Jessica states as she comes into your apartment. "Am I going to have to beat up a blind man?"

You know that comment was her keeping it light, despite her tone. "No, Matt's been great. But that is what I needed to talk to you about."

She furrows her brows as she leans forward in the chair she's claimed. "What's going on?"

"Well, you know I'm ace. Like disgusted by sex, want nothing to do with it, ace."

"Yeah." She trails off, not unkindly. "Is he trying to pressure you into sex? Because I swear to god—"

"No, it's nothing like that."

"Foggy— his best friend—"

"Yeah, I know him. He's Luke's lawyer, comes around the apartment every so often. When you have two people with super strength living together— and one of them is me— you need to have a lawyer friend. Or two."

"Fair. Anyway, every time we go out for drinks, he tells us all these stories of his and Matt's college days. They're fun stories, but I didn't realize  _how much_ sex Matt had before he met me. The way Foggy tells it, it was like half the girls he met."

"And you feel like you're holding him back."

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"Yes it would, because most guys break it off when they find out that you don't ever want to have sex. Anyway, it's not all that different from any other relationship. People fuck around— some more than others— until somebody comes along and makes them  _want_  to settle down. Have you talked to Matt about this?"

"No, because, as I said, he's been great about all this. Even before I told him, he took his cues from me, he never tried anything. Then I told him that I'm ace. He said that he really liked me but he'd have to get used to the idea. A few days later, he told me he doesn't mind the idea as much as he thought he would."

"But you think that's still something he wants."

"Well, it's sex. 99% of the world wants it."

"That's still over 75 million people who don't." She shrugs.

"You know it's not that simple. Hell, I'm lucky he even believes me. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that I just need to find the right person." You trail off.

"Talk to him. And that's coming from me, the enemy of communication, as Luke so eloquently put it during our last fight."

You cover your mouth, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, I know. All the more reason to take my advice."

"I'm sorry, it's not funny."

She cracks a smile. "It's a little funny. Don't worry, we're fine. I know he's not wrong there."

—0—

You're having a peaceful night in with Matt, but as you're sitting in his arms, you can't stop thinking about how he's being nice or holding out for when you change your mind about having sex. From what you told him, he probably thinks you've never done it before. That seems to be a thing for a lot of guys. Because whenever you bring it up, their first statement is: So you're a virgin; that's okay, I'll make it good for you. That isn't what Matt said, but you can only base your expectations off of your experiences. You look up at Matt, and you're hit with how much you love him, how much you don't want to lose him. You remember talking to your mom when you were younger before you were sure about not wanting sex. She said that sometimes you do things because your partner wants them and that it's not always because you want them. At the time, the statement horrified you, but the more you date, the more you realize that she might be right.

So you turn to Matt and pull him down for a kiss. Start with something you're comfortable with. He hums into the kiss as you sit on his lap.

"Hey." He grins as he pulls back to catch his breath, his hands resting on your waist.

"Hey." You move to kiss down his neck, grinding down against him. You try not to cringe as you feel him growing hard beneath you.

He sucks in a sharp breath at that. "Hey, hey, sweetheart, I know you don't want to have sex, but you know, a beautiful woman starts grinding on my lap, my body's going to respond."

"I know." You cover his mouth with yours, trying to stay calm.

He pulls back again. "Sweetheart, what are you doing?"

You furrow your brow. " You aren't in the mood?"

"Uh, it's not that." He takes a breath, tries to will the tent in his pants to go away. "Come on." He coaxes you to sit next to him, his arm around you. "Last time we talked about this, you told me that sex repulsed you. Did something change?"

"I um, I know you like it, so I'm willing to do it with you." You force out, even though your throat threatens to close around each word.

Matt frowns. He doesn't have to listen to hear your heart pounding in your chest. "That's not what I asked."

"No, nothing changed, for me. But with how much sex you had before you met me— I don't want to deprive you of that. Or have you realize later that this thing between us isn't fulfilling your needs. So I'll do it."

He lets out a breath in disbelief. " _Sweetheart._ " He gathers you closer in his arms. "God—" He lets out a frustrated breath. "Please don't ever offer something like that when you're still so strongly against it. I don't want to have sex with you like that. I love you,  _so_  much." He has to take a breath to steady himself as he thinks about what could've happened if you had this thought process before you had an explicit conversation about it. He has to stop his mind from running wild with thoughts of having sex with you only to find out later how much you hated it. How the whole time he thought you were into it, you were trying not to recoil— likely staving off a panic. He takes a breath, stops himself. None of that happened— thank God. " _Oh my God,_ " He breathes through a wave of heartbreak. "What kind of person would accept that?"

"Plenty." You murmur.

"So, you have had sex?"

"Yeah. My first time was in the back of my first car with a stranger. I didn't even tell him it was my first time. I know your first time is never good, but this guy was, well, I guess he was fine. I never told him I didn't like it, but thinking back on him trying to make out with me, it was gross." You shudder.

Matt freezes. "Do you not like that either?"

"No, I do. Kissing, making out, that's fine, I enjoy those things. I've learned— and I even knew then that I only want those things with someone I'm close with."

He nods, hearing the steady truth in the beat of your heart. "Why'd you have sex that first time, then?"

"I hate the way people look at others who haven't had sex. The whole concept of virginity and how if people knew, they'd look at you differently. Suddenly you're innocent, naive. So I got rid of it."

He sighs. "That never made sense to me either. I'm sorry you felt like you had to do that."

You shrug. "I don't necessarily regret it. It was an experience. Not a particularly good one, but I wouldn't change it. I didn't want anyone to have the satisfaction of knowing they were my first. The fetishization of virginity— a made up concept— is so disgusting. I needed it to be a one night stand that meant as little to the other person as it did to me."

"I guess that makes sense. I've never heard anyone say that, but it makes sense." He pauses. "So, when you told your past boyfriends that you didn't like sex, they still took you up on it when you offered later?  _Knowing_ how uncomfortable it made you."

"Well, some left before we got that far, but the ones who stayed, yeah. My first boyfriend thought I might need to be with someone I trusted and cared about. I wasn't sure and he was genuine. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision. He wasn't trying to get me to change my mind right then and there. We had an adult discussion and he was actually trying to help me figure it out, so I agreed to try it. He was great about it, he kept checking in with me and when I still didn't like it, he stopped immediately. He stayed with me for a little while. He said he loved me, but he needed that. I understood. We tried an open relationship. He could have sex with whoever, but I didn't hear about it and he came home to me. It didn't last. The ones between him and you were the ones who knew how uncomfortable I was, but since I offered, it didn't bother them."

Matt shakes his head. "That's horrible."

"In their defense, I did say it was okay, I got good at acting."

"I don't care. You shouldn't have to become good at acting." He takes a second to fume, clenches his jaw before he continues. "I hate the world we live in so much. Young women are never told that sex should make them feel good, that it should be a positive, safe experience or not at all. And I'm not victim blaming here, I know young men aren't taught how to be decent fucking human beings. But do you know how many women I've been with have told me that I gave them one of the few orgasms they didn't fake?"

"I can imagine."

"An alarming amount of them told me that that was the first orgasm they ever had that wasn't by their own hand. And they had been with plenty of other men. I don't understand how you can claim to love someone then be that selfish. How did your exes sleep at night knowing that best case, they were continually having extremely dubious sex with you?"

"I don't know, I figured other people need that in a relationship as much as I don't want it."

"Needing that is understandable, but you have to communicate with your partner. I don't give a shit how they feel if they can't have the decency to check in and make sure.  _Especially_  after you talked to them about it."

"Matt," you run your hand along his chest. "I know it's not an ideal situation, but there's nothing to do about it now. I'm here, with you, now."

He lets out a breath. "I'm sorry. I just— I love you, sweetheart. Thinking about those guys not caring about you makes me so angry."

You lean up and peck his cheek. "I love you."

He turns to you. "And kissing is still okay?"

"Yeah, like I said earlier, everything we've done has been great. I just thought you might want more with your past and all."

His past? It takes him a second to connect the dots. "Wait, is this about how much I got around in college?"

Your pause is answer enough.

"Shit. I'm sorry, I'll have Foggy stop talking about it."

"No, Matt it's okay. I don't want you to shelter me. Anyway, they're funny stories. It just got me thinking. We would've ended up here anyway."

He sighs, running his hand through his hair.  _We would've ended up here anyway_. That sentence brings back that wave of panic and guilt he had earlier. "I'm sorry. When you told me, I should have been more clear.  _Please_ , promise me that next time something comes up, you'll  _talk_ to me instead of assuming and doing something we'd both regret."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Thanks for being so good about this. Are you sure it's not a problem?"

He lets out a breath. "I'm sure. You know, I've actually been meaning to talk to you. Since you told me that you're ace, I've been thinking about it a lot. I did some research and realized that I might land somewhere on the spectrum too. Now, I know human sexuality is a complicated thing and subcategorization of every little preference can be kind of pointless. I do like sex, it's great with the right person, but I realized that I've never initiated. I've never had that loin-clutching lust that other people seem to have. For me, sex is enjoyable because I love that closeness with a person. It's more intense than hugging or kissing, of course, but I don't enjoy it more or less than those things."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Anyway, Foggy thinks I have a lot more sex than I do. Because of my college years, he assumes and I let him. At first, it was because he didn't know about Daredevil, then because he didn't want to hear about it."

"Those seem like two very separate dots."

"Well, he'd call me in the morning and I'd groan because, you know, I got in a fight the night before, and he'd assume I had someone in bed with me. Or when I didn't answer my phone, he'd leave a message saying: Climb off whoever you're on and get down here, et cetera. Even in college, for the most part, it was for the other person. He always wondered why all the girls liked me, he'd joke that it was because I'm blind. The real reason was that I was doing it to make them feel good, because it's what they wanted, instead of only chasing my own desire. And, you know, word gets around. I didn't put it together until now, but it makes sense. If you're only in it for an orgasm, it's not going to be that great for the other person. Not as good as it could be if you focused on them, and the process of getting there, anyway."

Matt tilts his head to the side when he feels your hand on his cheek. He can tell you're staring.

"I'm so lucky I found you, Matt."

"You shouldn't have to be."

"Shhh." You lean into him. "You're one of the good ones, Matt. Accept it."

He doesn't agree but he also knows he won't win this one with you. "Well, I'm lucky I found you to think that about me."


End file.
